


"I'm Sorry"

by MadhouseVagabond



Series: Jeremwood Oneshots [10]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Dealing With Loss, Death, Drinking, GTA, Gen, M/M, Pain, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 10:06:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11102292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadhouseVagabond/pseuds/MadhouseVagabond
Summary: So this is what happens when you read sad things at 3-4am and basically cry yourself to sleep. Enjoy





	"I'm Sorry"

You never really know what it feels like. How it feels day after day; the pain, the guilt, the doubt, the knowledge that maybe just maybe you could've done something, anything.

Jeremy Dooley sat in the living room of the penthouse suit, atop one of the wooden chairs that the Crew had placed around the joint. He took another swig from the bottle he held, the taste not even registering with him. This is how he found small comfort and the only way he could manage each day as it drawled by painfully. It had been years since the incident, but every detail was etched into his brain and refused to leave, a haunting fucked up reminder left from the world. The first few days after the incident were hard yeah, but what everyone always said, that it would get better with time, was complete and utter bullshit.

It had been a simple job, in and out with a fair payout. He'd run jobs like this thousands of times, both while a member of the Fakes, and his time before as a freelancer. There was absolutely nothing that could've gone wrong.

_Except it did!_ Jeremy told himself as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fight the pain away.

He and Ryan had been scoping the place out for weeks, learning the guard's shifts, open hours, who worked what shifts, hell, even when the fucking delivery truck showed up. They couldn't have been more ready to rob the small clothing store. But something went wrong. While Ryan had been dealing with customers in the back, Jeremy had pointed his shotgun and the man at the front counter, demanding the money from the registers. Ryan had just walked back up front when the man had lunged over the counter at Jeremy and wrestled hid for control over the shotgun. The man had been bigger than Jeremy and had put up a good fight, but the gun had gone off in Jeremy's hand.

He hadn't even considered what happened he just fought the man off before shooting him point blank in the head, the man's cranium exploding and painting the walls with blood and brainmatter. Grabbing the sack filled with money Jeremy turned, a triumphant look on his face. But the look quickly melted and his heart dropped. Ryan was clutching his chest and blood was pouring into the floor where he stood.

"Oh fuck!" was all Jeremy could say as Ryan crumpled to the floor. Jeremy forgot about the money as he hauled Ryan out to the back alley and down a few blocks to a safe spot, a dark alley blocked by large trash bins. He'd torn open Ryan's shirt and cleaned the wounds the best he could. He'd called Geoff as he'd hauled Ryan to safety and now sat shaking in fear as he watched his best friend, his soulmate dying in front of him.

"Ryan I'm so fucking sorry! Please don't die! Please buddy, don't leave me!" he'd cried. Ryan had smiled painfully, his face deadly white from lack of blood, and had cupped Jeremy's cheek with a hand.

"It's not your fault Jeremy. I can't promise anything, so if I don't make it..." Ryan had said.

"Don't you dare fucking go there Haywood! You're not dying on me!" Jeremy had sobbed.

"...when I'm gone, please don't blame yourself. I love you Jer bear," Ryan had said in a painful and broken voice. Jeremy sobbed and squeezed Ryan's other hand in his, the man gripping him tightly.

"I love you too Rye Bread! More than anything in this world! You're my everything and I'll be lost without you," he'd said. Ryan smiled but Jeremy could see something else in his eyes behind the pain and agony, fear. Ryan was afraid of dying. A few minutes later Jeremy watched with eyes welling with tears as Ryan's eyelids slowly drooped shut, his grip on Jeremy's hand failing and his last breath leaving him as the had slipped and fell away from Jeremy's. Jack and Geoff had arrived at that moment and stood in shock as they too watched their lifelong friend leave this world.

Jeremy had cried, sobbed, screamed for days, the pain wracking his body. He blamed himself entirely for Ryan's death, being the one who'd suggested the heist in the first place, suggested no body armor to add to the thrill of the moment, had been the one to fire the shot into Ryan's chest. Each member of the Crew dealt with their friends death in their own ways, but Jeremy took the worst beating. He stopped eating three days after they buried Ryan, he started drinking heavily, to the point that Geoff was worried and even scared. They'd all tried to comfort him and reason with him, but he'd shut down. A week after Ryan had died Jeremy sunk into depression and self hatred, cutting his wrists in an attempt to feel something again, something physical that was more overpowering than the internal pain he felt.

Jack had found him and quickly bandaged and stitched up the cuts, crying over Jeremy who just stared off into space blankly, not registering anything the man said.

That had been three years ago. Now Jeremy sat in the dark alone and threw back another large swig of the alcohol, finding that drowning his sorrows seemed to take the edge away from everything he felt. He shook his head and pulled out his phone, sending a message to the number he knew would never respond. He'd been doing this for six months now, a small way he convinced himself that Ryan was still out there. The others said he was crazy, that he needed to move on and to please come back to them, that he needed to talk to them. Jeremy didn't believe them for a second. The bond he'd shared with Ryan was stronger than anything he'd ever felt or had in his life. He looked down at the phone and read the messages he'd sent.

_Hey bud, don't know how to start. Miss you I guess is as good a place as any._

_Ryan, please get back to me. I really want to hear your voice again._

_Remember our team name? Battle Buddies we called ourselves! Always together, you and me! Together forever right Ryan?_

_Geoff is getting really worried about me texting you. He says that you won't answer and that you're gone. I miss you Ryan._

_  
Ryan, please, talk to me! I need you to talk to me!_

_I'm a piece of shit. I never should've convinced you to do that heist. It's all my fault._

_Ryan, damn it text me back! I need to talk to you. It's urgent._

_So...um, sorry for that last text, was a hard day for me. The others cleaned out your room and moved everything down to the basement. Michael all but had to sedate me to keep me from doing something stupid. I miss you Ryan._

_Ry, please, please tell me everything is going to be okay like you used to. It's all my fault and I need you to forgive me! Please Ryan I'm so sorry for what happened! Please forgive me!_

_Hey, it's me again. I know you won't ever respond to these, but it helps somehow. Fucking therapeutic or some shit you know? I miss you Ry, oh how I miss you!_

Jeremy put his phone away and closed his eyes, feeling tears fill his eyes and streak down his cheeks. He sobbed softly and took another drink. How could he explain it to the guys? How would they be able to understand? There was just something about losing someone so important to you.

There's just no way to describe to feeling of loss you feel when you lose someone that important to you, like an empty place has been carved out of your heart and the hole hurts constantly. Like being under pressure constantly, hard to breathe and you feel nothing except constant pain. All there was was pain. So overpowering it made Jeremy sick just to know he was still breathing. A pain that hurt so deeply that all Jeremy could say over and over again as he cried was, "I'm sorry".

"They say the hardest time is right after it happens, that time heals the wounds. That's fucking bullshit! All time does is remind you of the pain. All time does it make you miss them more, to look up when you hear a joke or have a story to tell and realize that they're not there with you. No, the hardest part about losing someone isn't right after it happens, it's the years that follow, where all you have are memories, and even those start to get jumbled or foggy until, one day, you forget them and the pain increased tenfold because you forget the simplest most important things. You forget their voice, their laugh, the way they walked when they were happy. You forget the way they smiled at you when you both silently share an inside joke. You forget these things, and that's one of the hardest things to live with. A memory of a blurry face," Jeremy said silently as he closed his eyes, Ryan's final words to him echoing in his mind.

"Battle Buddies, forever Jeremy! I'll always love you, no matter where I go, I'll always love you."


End file.
